I’m spiraling slowly around the drain, heading downward. I’m coming off a good week, probably the best I’ve had in months. Now I’m getting sucked down into the hole again.
My mood, sinking. My energy, low. Drifting, dropping. Down.
It’s out of my control. I feel like I’m along for the ride. I feel like my strength is failing.
But now is when I need to be strong. Now is when I’m supposed to resist everything I feel and reach down deep within myself to possess the answer to this challenge. Now is when I’m supposed to remember what I’ve been taught.
I am not the way I feel. I can’t control my thoughts or my emotions. I should let them roll beneath me like waves in the sea.
I cannot control the things that appear in my mind, but I can choose how I react to them. I can’t control what’s pulling on me, but I can decide what I’m going to do about it. I’ve been being pulled this direction for a long time now and I am tired.
I have the energy to fight when I don’t need it. When things come easily, I feel like I can tackle anxiety and depression. But they are like weights tied around my ankles, pulling me back down when I try to get up.
I’m being pulled down now, and I know I need to do something. But what direction do I turn?
I could use plain logic. I have mood disorders. My mood is going to fluctuate and this is just a natural part of my life. That feels to me like resignation, that I am accepting that I am always going to be like this, that I have no hope of getting free from this downward spiral.
I could just ride it out, waiting for my mood to shift again. But again, this feels like acceptance and resignation, something that doesn’t feel right for me to do. I also don’t know that I’m at a point where I could manage my emotions well enough to function normally in this type of scenario.
I could practice gratitude and try to focus my energy on the positive things in my life. I have done this at times before, and it provides some temporary relief, but it also feels contrived and misguided, a distraction from what is really happening.
I could fight my feelings and just rail against them, hoping to break them down by force. I do this far too often – it takes energy and it focuses my attention on the negative feelings I’m already feeling. Two downs don’t make an up.
I could write and try to make sense of my feelings. Obviously, that’s the decision I’ve made today, as I’m talking to you right now. I feel directionless, unable to move against the tide that’s pulling me.
And I’m trying to work it out. I don’t know what the answer is. And I fight this battle more days than not in my life with anxiety and depression.
It is a constant in my life, this struggle to figure out how I’m supposed to react to my feelings. Some days, I just try something and hope it works. Other days, the same thing will just make things worse.
Maybe I’m just supposed to be building an arsenal of methods to use to throw at these things. Maybe I’m not supposed to figure out what I’m supposed to being doing with myself. But that seems like an awfully frustrating proposition.
Maybe that’s the whole point of it. I keep hitting my head against the wall, I keep trying different things and I slowly get better at managing my emotions. That seems pretty slow.
I just don’t know. I was all gung-ho last week to beat this thing, but now that I’m getting dragged down again, I find myself without the answers again. I just don’t know.
Depression and anxiety do that to a person. They make you question what you know and they take away the answers from you. You think you figure it all out one time, and the next time, you’re standing there again, clueless.
And that’s where I am right now. I know I’m sinking, but I just don’t know what to do.